The R.L. Karnes Guide to Writing a Great Paper

All events described here are based on factual accounts of the author's own life.



1. First, put the paper off for 2 months. What’s the point of knowing about a paper 2 months ahead of time, anyway?

2. Save it for the week before it's due, and you also have another paper and group project to work on. And the impending arrival of Thanksgiving.

3. Gather all books around you on your bed.

4. Organize these books and stack them largest-to-smallest, and perfectly center each book.

5. Get super comfortable on the bed – You’re going to be there a while!

6. Instantly fall asleep on previously stated super comfortable bed.

7. Jolt awake from a terrifying mini-dream centered around Morgan Freeman’s personal voicemail message (and how legendary it must be).

8. Slap yourself into shape and shuffle through some notes to focus on the paper.

9. Open the laptop.

10. Check Facebook.

11. Check your e-mail

12. Check your other e-mail.

13. Check deviantART for comments and faves. If there are no interesting things here, check the newest Daily Deviations for at least 30 minutes.

14. Check Twitter. View any photos/links that any funny celebrities post so you feel in the loop with pop culture as a whole.

15. Check Facebook again. It’s been a while and you could have missed something!

16. Look around the room when Facebook gets boring.

17. Get up and clean that filthy pigsty of a room! How can you work in this environment?!

18. Go grab a snack. Can’t work with low blood sugar. Make some tea to go with snack, and sit in a cozy chair to enjoy your last bit of comfort before working SUPER hard at this paper.

19. Return to room, climb on bed, and reorganize books, which have toppled since the nap.

20. Look up and see red Converse shoes. Red Converse. Idina Menzel. Rent. Taye Diggs. Aquatic frogs. Swimming. Hawaii. Pacific ocean. Salt water. Salt. Sodium. Water retention. Bloating. Roadkill. Vultures. Raw meat. Sushi. Chopsticks. Wood. Paper.

21. Oh, shit, the paper.

22. Open laptop.

23. Disable internet IMMEDIATELY.

24. New document.

25. Write name at top of document on left side. Right side. Left side. Right side.

26. Maybe you should create a cover page instead of putting your name on the first page.

27. Think of witty title for cover page.

28. Open a book.

29. Fall asleep on super comfy bed.

30. Wake up an hour later.

31. This is pointless. Oh, and it’s time for TCM to show a super awesome movie that you haven’t seen in AGES, so you simply have to watch it. For research. Because you’re a self-proclaimed film historian.

32. Close laptop and all books. It’s the weekend, after all, and you deserve a break after so much work this week.

33. Enable internet.

34. Check Facebook.

Reviews 130 & 131

This will begin my attempt at movie reviews. This is my first attempt, but, seeing as I've seen 131 movies since January, I thought I might put my critical brain to use. That said, I know I probably suck right now. Hopefully I will get better as I progress ;)

130.

The Life of David Gale (2003) revolves around the cliché of all clichés: an anti-death row spokesman on death row for the murder of another death row abolitionist. Genius. All you need now is a reporter to come and try to save the day before the man proclaiming innocence is put to death by The Man. Oh, wait! There’s that, too.

You’d think with Kevin Spacey, Kate Winselt, and Laura Linney, this film could be saved. But, no. The performances of the principal three actors were nothing less than superb, but the plot and self-righteous moral of the story left me exhausted and peeved. The script revolves around the assumption that the viewer is rooting for David Gale to be freed before his unfair punishment; unfortunately that doesn’t fly. Spacey’s portrayal of the alcoholic Gale is fair in its attempt at pity and sympathy, but it falls short of

I was really disappointed that the makers of this film made the end seem like such a big surprise. I figured it all out within the first twenty minutes of the film, and was rolling my eyes when Kate Winslet was so horrified at the outcome. I keep waiting for filmmakers who do not underestimate the intelligence of their viewers. Believe it or not, sometimes we actually can figure out your intricately-designed plot before the last two minutes of the movie.

Barely 2 out of 5

131.

The City of Your Final Destination (2009) revolves around Omar, a writer/professor who wants to write the authorized biography of a recently deceased world-renowned author, Jules Gund. After writing to his family, Omar gets a letter of denial signed by Gund’s wife, brother, and live-in mistress. This prompts him to travel to Uruguay to personally seek permission to write the biography. Along the way he makes and breaks relationships, and he challenges his ideals and those of the people whose lives he has suddenly invaded.

This Merchant Ivory film is strengthened by Anthony Hopkins’s mysterious presence and Laura Linney’s frosty and domineering sideways glances. At times the film seems to rely on the doe-eyed looks of the women that Omar is falling in and out of love with. References to the elusive Jules border the mythical and sometimes ridiculous, but the story builds a feeling of admiration for the writer from all who knew him. The viewer gets the feeling that this man’s legacy may not have been the single book that he left behind, but the unconventional family he built around himself.

The most interesting part of this movie, as with many Merchant Ivory films, is the way that the plot has become so character-driven. The story brings the characters together, but each part is woven within its own searching story. None of the characters are there simply as support for dialogue for the others; you get the feeling that each of them has a complicated life, a back story, that could be the center of its own drama in its own right. As they all interact with each other, the characters are powered by different ideals and goals – and held back by them.

Cinematically, The City of Your Final Destination is beautifully filmed. James Ivory’s direction and cinematography is gorgeous. It creates an atmosphere in the Uruguay home that could be its own character; set anywhere else and filmed by anyone else, the film could have had the wrong impression entirely. While the screenplay is lacking in some parts, the subtleties of the actors make up for it at times. It is a quiet film to be absorbed rather than experienced hands-on, one created in a time when quiet films are not necessarily in vogue but are still quite refreshing.

3 out of 5

I am a big fan of ‘N.C.I.S,’ and was totally devastated when Kate Todd (played by Sasha Alexander) was shot in the head at the end of the second season.

So, when I saw that “Kate” was going to be on a new show, I got a little geeked. Having seen the first three episodes, I have become acquainted with the obnoxious cookie-cutter quirks ‘Rizzoli and Isles’ has turned into. So, without further ado, I give you: Notes on 'Rizzoli & Isles.'.

An episode of ‘Rizzoli & Isles’ must include:
• At least two Overprotective Mother moments fueled by Lorraine Bracco as said Over Protective Mother.
• Five or more “I-don’t-want-to-act-or-lo

ok-feminine-in-any-way” moments by Jane Rizzoli (Angie Harmon), including one major statement and/or demonstration.
• At least two “I-am-a-robot-genius-who-cannot-interact-with-other-humans” moments made possible by Maura Isles.
• One “girlfriend” scene, in which both Rizzoli and Isles share cute feminine quips regardless of their known personality quirks. This may or may not include wine and may or may not take place in the morgue.
• Possible sports scene which shows that, yes, Rizzoli is in fact a tough girl tomboy who loves to play sports, yadda yadda...
• Maura Isles must express her discomfort in dealing with living people and her preference for the silent dead. Maura Isles = Temperance Brennan with pretty shoes.
• Discussion of Rizzoli’s lack of love life and/or her obvious-to-us-but-not-to-her crush on the FBI dude she has known since he was a five-year-old lisping neighbor kid who picked on her.

I sincerely hope that TNT figures out that its viewers are not nincompoops and can handle complex characters without needing to explicitly state their strengths and flaws. The cast of 'Rizzoli & Isles' is extremely talented, and the potential for this female-powered show is intriguing.

Painter's Block

I have done at least one painting every day for the last two weeks.

My brain is spent.

I have come down with a deplorable case of Painter's Block.

Addict

I am staring at my list of films.

I have compiled this ridiculous list, logging my personal cinematic journey since January of 2010. It began as one of those, "Hey, I wonder if" kinds of things. As in, "Hey, I wonder if I will be impressed with myself after keeping a record of how many movies I watch and when I watch them this year." Being impressed with myself has turned into, well, a bit of embarrassment mixed with massive amounts of pathetic. How many movies have I watched, you ask?

Over 70.

That's counting the eight-hour saga of 'The Thorn Birds' as one movie.

70 x 2 hours = 140 hours
140/24 =5.8333

DUDE.

Six DAYS of my life for MOVIES. That's not even counting the copious amount of television I watch!

I think it's safe to say that I have a problem. I am addicted to film.